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I have no fucking clue where to start. This isn't really a post, don't read this. I need to post more but then I feel guilty that I haven't posted in a while, so I'm just going to offload everything that's going on at the moment so I'm not constantly thinking "Oh, I need to update about this thing that happened weeks and weeks ago".

- I've got three weeks off college for Easter and I've done no college work yet
- I have a new job glass collecting which will hopefully lead to some bar experience and fund some cycling over the Summer
- I have been talking excessively on Skype to someone I met in Germany who is a friend of the person previously mentioned and am considering staying with them for a few weeks
- I went for a drink with someone that started talking to me at work last night and I think it went okay
- I can't stop listening to Mos Dub and drinking a lot of whisky
- I'm off south tomorrow for an admissions day for my firm choice, extremely anxious

Some days just getting out of bed and pulling some clothes on is difficult. I've hidden the last two posts... I was not in a healthy state of mind when they were posted. The last week has been surreal, my moods have been really tumultuous. I get blood test results back tomorrow, I'm expecting them to come back negative, but we'll see.
I don't have the energy to talk about what has happened over past few days; I don't know if it's being unmedicated for the first time in so long or just being naive and pathetic. Nothing will come of the time that I spent with the person in Hamburg and I'm not sure that it's a good idea to ever meet them again. I knew in my stomach that it was over the moment my plane touched down but it is extremely painful to know that the most intense interpersonal connection I have experienced in my entire lifetime was a complete non-event to the other party.

I'm putting everything that happened in Hamburg in the past. I don't regret any of it, but I think that perhaps it is best that I view the week, for the most part, as an isolated week. It began the day I arrived, it ended the day that I departed, and there is no way that it can be resumed. I lived another life for a week and that is enough for me for now.

I'm really not looking forward to college tomorrow. I need desperately to get back into a regular sleep pattern, without the aid of my meds (which were hypnotics/sedatives) I haven't been able to get to sleep until 5/6AM, even with the aid of alcohol.

I'll update you all properly soon. I'm in a strange place at the moment and I'm finding it difficult to write coherently. I'll leave you with this song, I must have watched this video over a hundred times in the last week.

I keep thinking I should just stop torturing myself, flip a coin and get it over with, but I know if it lands tails I'll keep flipping it til I hit a head.

So much has happened since I last posted. In some ways I've put off writing about the past few weeks because it feels like when I write something down it is transformed from something that is happening to something that has happened. I need to apologise now for the sheer length of this post and the abundance of idioms. I don't expect any of you to read all of this but I need to record it.
I should probably start off by saying that I got a place at the university I want to go to! I received an email from UCAS thirty minutes after arriving home from Hamburg. I'm going to an admissions day for the end of next month and I know I can meet the conditions of my offers so I'm really excited about that. This is the course I have wanted to do for the last three years; I started my current college course with this exact course at this exact university in mind so I'm pretty hyped about that right now.
A couple of other things have happened in my life over the last few weeks. There was a very real scare for a few days, a few days in which I'm sure I didn't breathe once, in which doctors thought my sister was suffering from AKI, shortly followed by a large sigh of relief when it was ruled out. My grandmother was also in hospital but has since been discharged but I don't really want to write about that right now because it will just distress me.
I've been doing a crapload of pressups and situps every day and I'm jobsearching as I write this. I'm behind on my college work and on my correspondence but I'm going to try and get my shit together this week.

I need to talk about Hamburg. I don't know how to describe the week. On the day of my arrival I recall asking myself a question that on some subconscious level must have completely influenced the way I spent the week. Packed like a sardine in a tin in my budget airline flight I asked myself whether, if I had the chance, I would be someone else for a week. That may have been the question that I asked myself, but I think in retrospect that I just wanted to be the person that I want to be, the person inside me that I know under certain circumstances is allowed to show himself to the world. I approached Hamburg with a completely open mind; I practised my German and read the basics but I wanted it to be a completely fresh experience, I didn't want to arrive in another country with any preconceptions and I think I succeeded pretty well in that respect.

One of the people sitting next to me on the plane was getting the same train as me so he helped me with buying the correct ticket; said he'd love to show me the city but he had to see his girlfriend for valentines days. The hostel itself was probably about 3 minutes from the train station. The guy I'd met on the plane had recommended I check out Sternschanze so I dumped my bag in the dorm and headed out to try and find some decent, cheap bars. I walked into kulturhaus 73 and had a few Astras before I realised that there was a band playing in the basement. I half-stumbled down the stairs and by some stroke of cosmic luck it was Kevin Devine.
Although I quit smoking in August and haven't bought tobacco on UK soil since then, I smoked for the entire of that week. It's illegal to smoke inside in the UK so it was a really surreal standing at the back of the show on my own smoking. I've looked but I can't find any videos of that specific show but I can't pretend I didn't cry when he played 11-17.

I spent the Tuesday drinking coffee and just wandering around the city aimlessly. Having drunk maybe 7 or 8 cups of coffee during the day I had urine coming out of my ears. At around 5PM I decided to go back for a nap before bar hunting. I had a tactical piss before I left the café, hoping I wouldn't need to go again before I got back to the hostel. Thinking about it now, I think my entire week would have panned out completely differently if I'd had one less cup of coffee and didn't need to stop halfway back to the hostel.

It was an American-style diner, the kind of place that only plays Elvis. I ran in to use the toilet but my plans were scuppered when I realised the place was empty- I couldn't just walk past the bar and into the toilet without ordering anything or at least speaking to someone at the bar. I was kind of hungry anyway so I ordered the smallest item on the menu. The person behind the counter found this hilarious because I'm a pretty big guy and after subjecting her to my appalling German we started talking in English. I told her my story, that I was alone in Hamburg and that I had no fucking clue why. She gave me her number and told me to call her if I needed any advice or help, I used the toilet and went on my way.
I don't know what came over me when I got back to the hostel. I threw my bag down on the bed, had a quick spongeless shower and I had a sudden rush of energy... Maybe it was all the caffeine, maybe it was the hot water making my blood rush to my brain.
This is the point where I mention that I have never asked someone if they want to go for a drink. All of my past romantic and sexual relationships, as well as many of my close friendships, have been originally forged online. I do not talk to strangers. I talk a lot on here about connections; my last post was titled "Hamburg, disconnected". I don't believe in fate, but even if I didn't know why I was going to Hamburg on arrival, I understood completely on departure.
I started walking back to Sternschanze but my feet took me back to the diner. I sat in a bus shelter about 20 yards from the entrance, trying to calm myself down and stop my heart from bursting out of chest. I gave myself a pep talk, scanned my German phrasebook and planned exactly what I was going to say but before I'd finished she came running out after a customer who'd left their wallet. I panicked; I told her I was just about to go bar hunting and asked if she wanted to join me for a drink. She said she had school early in the morning and that she finished work at midnight but agreed to come for a single drink once she'd finished her shift and walked her dog.
She was drinking merlot out of the bottle as we walked around the area with her dog and we introduced ourselves properly. We went to a cheap bar in the red light district for a drink; the kind of bar we don't really have here. The barman was smoking and drinking with us and we laughed a lot at the expense of my poor German. One drink turned into two, two turned into shots, and it was 5AM. We went back to hers and chilled and I walked her part way to school before turning back to the hostel. Side note: Jagerbomb sounds like "Hunter fuck" in German.
She kept using the phrase "celebrate life". I don't know if it's a literal translation of a German word but that phrase really resounded with me and I think it's sad that I've never heard anyone use that phrase before. I don't celebrate life, I'm constantly investing my time and energy into a mythical future existence.

I went into the diner on Thursday night to say my farewells, I was booked on a flight for the Friday morning. She was disappointed that I couldn't stay for the weekend, she'd been talking about a monthly electro house event that she wanted me to come to. Once again I had a sudden rush of energy, lacking caffeine or a hot shower, that I can only attribute to being caught in the spur of the moment. I went back to the hostel, booked another flight for Monday, booked another three nights at the hostel and asked my mother to let my boss that I'd missed my flight. I am probably the least spontaneous person that I know, a creature of habit, and this is not something that I would normally do, but I was mesmerised by her.

On the Friday night we hit some clubs and danced together. I do not dance, I am the person that stands at the back of the room or sits at the bar drinking, but we danced, and that I was capable of being so open and relaxed with someone I barely knew was enough that I realised I couldn't live the rest of my life without seeing her again. This was the first time in 21 years that I have connected with someone in this way and I cannot live the next 21 years without it happening again. At the end of the night we held each other and kissed and I was completely lost walking back to the hostel, simultaneously overwhelmed by the joy of having met her and the gut-wrenching feeling of knowing that on Monday I would return to the real world. Aside from that, I arrived back at the hostel at 10AM to find my mattress had been stolen in the night.
When we met up the following day it was as if those few brief minutes had never happened and I put it down to alcohol- until the end of that night when we kissed again. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or if she was scared by the fact that I live in another country. We danced until the sun came up, or at least until 6AM when my anxiety caught up with me and I had to leave the building.

So much more happened but I think I've mentioned everything. I don't really know where I stand with her and I don't know if we'll ever meet again. I'd like to return to Hamburg in a few months when I've saved some more money and just see what happens. I'm not under the illusion that she won't meet anyone else over the next few months, and I'm not an entitled arsehole that would expect her not to, but I need to know if there is any chance of this going anywhere because I have never met anyone that has had this effect on me. I suspect that someone has skinned me in my sleep and is walking around in my body.
What do I do now? Should I be grateful for the moments that we shared together, be rational and get on with my life, or should I go back?
I keep thinking I should just stop torturing myself, flip a coin and get it over with, but I know if it lands tails I'll keep flipping it til I hit a head.

"Sorry, can you call back later? I'm in the bath." Two more phonecalls. I'm not in the bath. Three more texts. They know I'm not in the bath.
After a while they stopped calling. In retrospect I can't blame them but for the longest time it felt like everyone had given up on me.

It feels like this chapter of my life is about to end. On Friday I went for a meal with my sister, my parents and their respective partners. Despite having separated at least 9 years ago, my parents are still married, still own a house together and still have a joint bank account. We are still a family unit, no matter how unconventional it is; I recognise that I am extremely privileged to have loving parents that I have relatively healthy relationships with but I completely understand why other people might find it weird.

I wrote the above yesterday and I don't really remember what point I was going to try and make. I don't know. It was like the last supper maybe? Not that I'm comparing myself to Jesus. If I actually sat down and wrote my posts in single sittings then they wouldn't be so fragmented.

I'm leaving for Hamburg tomorrow morning with a list of strong German beers. I'm fitting as much as possible into my wax jacket, the pockets are massive and I reckon I can fit stuff in there if my bag is too big. It's really scruffy and I'll be boiling so I can just leave it at the hostel during the day.
I should probably get to sleep, I have to leave early tomorrow. I'm staying up for another 10 minutes so I can finish recording this mixtape for while I'm there. Here's the tracklisting:
Side A
1. Kind of Like Spitting - Thrill Of The Hunt
2. The Gaslight Anthem - Red at Night
3. Kind of Like Spitting - You
4. The Front Bottoms - Maps
5. Lotte Kestner - Your Protector
6. Alpinist - A is for Army of Slaves
7. Andrew Jackson Jihad - Brave As a Noun
8. The Hood Internet - The XX Gon' Give It To Ya (DMX vs The XX)
9. Bangers - Wild Times, Outrageous Lies
10. Basement - Every Single Word
11. Billy Bragg - Levi Stubbs' Tears
12. Kind of Like Spitting - Boxcar (Jawbreaker cover)
13. Lucero - Nobody's Darlings
14. Novi Split - New Kids
15. The Riot Before - Back Stage Room
16. The Mountain Goats - Dance Music
17. Banner Pilot - Overwinter

I can't be arsed to type out side b. Good night all, I'll be back on Saturday.

As of right now I am officially 21. I think this is the point at which I am allowed to say that I am in my early 20s. I don't think being 21 is as culturally important in the UK as in some other parts of the world- I'm not legally entitled to anything new apart from hight minimum wage.
On the topic of wages, I've been sorting out my taxes all afternoon and I think my eyeballs are about to melt out their sockets. I'm not going to any detail because it's pretty boring but today has been boring. It's been snowing again this afternoon which is pretty cool because I was getting worried we'd seen the last of it.

A lot of people I know have been migrating to blogspot. That's cool, open standards compared to Tumblr, but it doesn't support disqus. Trying to stay anonymous, or at least abstracting this handle from my digital real life identity means that I'm not going to use my G+/fb accounts through openID so I've set up openID delegation so I can use this blog address. Oh, and I added a favicon. It's not interesting but the Habari logo was annoying me.

It's weird that I posted about my grandmother the other day. The following day she was taken into hospital, I'm going to visit her later. What else is going on in my life? I got rejected from a university but it was the one I didn't really want to go to so I'm not bothered. All this waiting is killing me.
I've sorted out a load more stuff for Hamburg, only thing left is to pack my bag.

I've been thinking about some of my oldest friends and I don't think I really know a lot of them.
Sometimes I wonder if you know who you are because after all these years I still don't have a clue. Do you look in the mirror every morning and ask yourself the same thing?

Fragmented as always. I don't really have anything interesting to say, I just need to keep onblogging. Someone needs to make a "keep on bloggin'" sticker. Like "keep on truckin'".

I have this video on repeat in the background constantly at the moment. I might start posting a video with every post. I don't know.